My life is so pointless. I don’t live I just exist.

I want to satisfy everyone else beside myself. I want to be a kind child, a good friend and a good-natured sister. But I’m none of them. The truth is that I’m a terrible person.

I’m not myself anymore. My psychiatrist talks about Nemi and the anorexic Nemi, but the truth is that I’m only the anorexic Nemi! All day I think about food. I can wake up from terrible nightmares about food, and I talk about food. People have to be so tired of me.

I talked to my psychiatrist today. She says I’m in a lot of trouble right now. I don’t eat, my weight is going down and I cut a lot. I’ve promised her to gain 10 pounds. Jaiks! If I don’t, she will send me IP again. “I’m so worried for u, Nemi. Ur weight is so low that if u don’t gain anything until next session I have to hospitalise u”. So I said I will try to gain weight, because I don’t want to stay at the hospital. I really want to do this, to overcome my fear about food, but it’s so damn hard!

I really tried to eat today, and do u know what I ate? I had a can with pineapples for breakfast and for dinner I had 3 strawberries. I can’t eat, and when I eat I get some terrible stomachache. I don’t know what to do. I guess I have to water load next time I see her...

xoxo Nemi

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003